Nighttime Personalities Lampoon Trump's New 'Gold Card' Visa Plan
TV's top hosts used the broadcast criticizing former President Donald Trump's just announced visa program, dubbed the "gold card," portraying it as a clear cash-for-residency scheme for the wealthy.
Colbert's Sarcastic Take
Kicking off his broadcast, Stephen Colbert offered a mock holiday tune about the commander-in-chief. "He's compiling a list, reviewing it twice, and then giving that list to the people at ICE," he crooned. "The President ... destroys everything he comes into contact with."
The focus was the new initiative that enables overseas citizens to acquire U.S. residence for the price of one million dollars, or "platinum" tier for $5 million. A government portal guarantees approval "in record time."
"A quick thought for you to affluent foreigners: before you pony up, have you considered Canada?" Colbert joked.
He noted that the program is also designed to "extract cash" from companies wishing to hire foreign workers, with large payments. "That is a lot of fees, though if you sign up, you additionally get a complimentary stay at a hotel of your selection – provided that it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he continued.
"Unprecedented vetting the U.S. government has ever done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to verify these individuals completely are eligible to be in America."
"That is important, you have to prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "Question one: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"
Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Roast
On his late-night show, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."
"This is a card that will allow wealthy overseas citizens to live here," he explained. "For a million bucks, you get legal visitor status, you get a route to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one serious crime of your selection."
"Maybe it's time to update that poem on the Statue of Liberty – to hell with your huddled masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.
Kimmel lampooned the simplicity of the application, noting it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."
"Exactly, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "It's what Jesus constantly said! It's in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you offer the needle a million dollars."
Seth Meyers on Affordability Struggles
On another network, Seth Meyers turned to Trump's declining poll numbers during economic concerns. "Voters gave Donald Trump a second term because they were mad about the economy," he noted.
This week, in a bid to discuss prices, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a array of grocery items, where he reacted oddly to some cereal.
"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a while."
"Trump is so fucking weird," Meyers said. "What do you mean, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"
Meyers wrapped up by targeting conservative media arguments of Trump's economic performance. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to what FIFA did," he remarked.